New Year Approaching

Another year has come and gone--and I'm left feeling the whiplash of it. 2015 had ups, it had downs, and it had moments where I was lying on my back wanting it to all end. 

I remember being a kid, thinking that January to December was a long stretch of time, that my birthday would never arrive, that Thanksgiving was far away, that Christmas was out of reach. Now I know how quickly time flies, how my life is passing before my eyes and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.

The blur of time frightens me. I won't pretend I'm a happy person. I'm not. My place of employment, while I'm grateful for income, is not where I want to be--yet I have no reply when someone asks me what I want out of life. I'm not making enough money to support myself. College isn't even on the list of goals right now, I don't feel drawn to apply to schools and sit in lectures and take test after test while money I don't have is spent. I have no direction academically and career-wise.

My dating life is down the toilet, and I'm the one who flushed. I don't believe I will ever connect with someone, fall in love. I've mentioned this before. Some say I'm just afraid, and maybe I am. But that doesn't help me in matters of the heart.

So here comes 2016. It'll be here in a short amount of days. I know some say it's silly to wait for the new year to come to make changes to your life. Each day is a new one. We can all start in the morning, and make the next 24 hours different than the last. But something is so appealing about starting a new year with goals to make the whole year extraordinary. A whole year worthwhile, can you imagine that?

My goals never change. Get closer to God, live a better life, write more, read more, find someone who can tear down my walls, who makes me want to be with them. 

Sometimes I wonder if my goals are too broad. I never know where to begin.

Merry Christmas

The greatest gift given is celebrated today--the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to have a Father in Heaven who loved me so much, He sent His Son. I've struggled with this month feeling as festive as it used to, but I have so much love for my Savior. Today has been a wonderful day.

I haven't felt like myself the past few days, or maybe even a month. I can't explain it, but something's odd. I'm angrier, I'm spending money irresponsibly on things I don't need, I can't focus on my writing or any of the many books I need to read... I think I need a vacation, to relax and take a breath. Maybe I can just pretend I'm somewhere else, just for a few hours.

23 and Single

Since the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is very family oriented, I've grown up learning the value of having an eternal family here in our mortal lives. I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I even have two names I love for a boy and a girl; Samuel Wade and Emma Rue. Honestly I never pictured a career outside of writing and being a homemaker for however many children I ended up having.

When I was a teenager, I didn't really date. I thought no one liked me. I didn't feel pretty. I was shy. Since then, I've found confidence in my appearance, I've learned to be a little more social.

And it feels like too little too late.

I've lost interest in dating. The few men I've gone out with have all had their positive traits and negative traits, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be single than with them. While out, I would daydream about the end of the date so I could go home and do what I wanted to do. When they would text me, I'd want to ignore them. What would start out as excitement, a feeling of "this could be different than the last one", would instantly turn into disappointment and self-hatred as I tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

I'm the common denominator, not the men.

I still want a family. I think. I'll see pictures of babies and feel a little longing to have a child of my own, a little Sam or Emma, but at the end of the day, I'm discouraged. I don't feel excitement when I meet new people. Fun only lasts for so long before I'm bored. Affection makes me uncomfortable. Having serious talks about feelings sends me the opposite direction. 

Why can't I want someone? Or anything, for that matter? I don't want a career, an education, anything that I once thought I would value. I'm twenty-three years old and feel like I haven't a lot that counts. I love my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my friends... There is some good in the world, but it's like I've put myself in a bubble so I can't touch it. Why would I do that to myself? Why don't I want anything that matters?

I'm tired of hovering in this limbo, where my goals is a family of my own but my desires--the simple things from days off to reading a great book--do not include finding a man with whom I can really connect. It's so frustrating that I've met some wonderful people, guys that would treat me right and take care of me, and I've charged away like I'm being chased by a captor instead of someone I could grow to love.

Maybe it's the books; they've taught me about a love that doesn't exist. They've taught me about deep passion, love that's so wonderful it can't be put into words. But I'm tired of everything around me being mundane. Love can't be one of those things, right?

I have been under the impression that I will never find someone to marry since I was fifteen years old. That is a long time to believe I'll never love anyone. And after hurting guy after guy, distant and distancing even further, I'm tired. I'm to the point where I just want to be left alone.

But I don't want my dream of a family to die. I don't want to live another twenty-three years alone.

And I can't let these next twenty-three years pass with this unhappiness looming over me. I don't think anyone can fill this hole in my chest; it's something I have to fill myself. I just don't know how.

My Prayer

When there's so much darkness in the world, it can be hard to see the light. But if we actually look for it, we will find it. 

First of all, my heart goes out to the victims in Paris, as well as any victim around the globe to senseless violence, tragedy, unfair circumstances, and of the hatred mankind can have for one another. There is real evil out there, and my prayers go to those who are directly affected by it.

And though this seems like a small thing in comparison, I would like to express my thoughts at last about the new policy the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has released regarding homosexuality and the children raised by same-sex parents. When I stumbled upon the first article my eyes encountered, I only read the headline, and my heart broke. I did not understand. Even upon reading it, my mind was too full of conflicting thoughts to find clarity.

My mistake was clicking on the comments to find an assortment of negativity, from all sides. First were those who were offering hateful and bitter messages about the Mormon church. Then there were members of the Church who were obviously confused and hurt by this announcement. There were comments about having faith and trusting the Prophet. Finally, there were members, who, while well-meaning in their desires to defend their faith, responded in ways that seemed too harsh to inspire softened hearts and understanding. I was witnessing verbal war on news sites and Facebook.

I took a step back from it all and sent up a sincere prayer, that Heavenly Father help me understand why the Church had decided that children raised by homosexual parents would not be allowed to be baptized until they had turned eighteen and had also denounced their parents' relationships. After all, Christ had told the Apostles in the New Testament to prevent not the children, to let them come unto Him. I wished to know how this could be the new policy.

And then understanding did come. 

First of all, the policy was leaked, meaning it had been thrown to the media before it was meant to, and while others claim that the Church has been backpedaling, I believe they are doing what they would have done in the first place had they been given the opportunity. They are approaching the subject with sensitivity, and they are answering questions, clarifying what has been misunderstood.

This policy is meant to protect the children from making a decision they might not be ready to make. The Church has been very clear with its stance on homosexuality; acting upon it is contrary to the will and designs of our Heavenly Father. Still, especially now that gay marriage is legal in the United States, those who have found their partner have every right to choose to have a family. Or perhaps one member of the relationship had a child with the opposite sex at one point in time, and has since taken that child into their primary custody. Regardless, they are parents, and the child will love them as such. It would be so difficult, taxing and painful, to feel like the child had to choose between their religion and their family. So, to prevent that back-and-forth pull on someone who is still so young and is already going through so much in the process of growing up, Heavenly Father has inspired our Prophet with this policy that the child won't have to make their decision until they are of legal age.

The child will still be very welcome to attend meetings, to be a part of youth programs. They can still be a part of a ward family, but will be asked to wait until eighteen to make their membership official. 

As for the denouncement, they will not be required to discard their parents. They can still be a huge part in their family's lives, loving them and spending time with them. They will only be required to acknowledge that their parents' relationship does not coincide with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If they can find peace with that, a balance between believing the Gospel and yet still having a wonderful relationship with their parents, they can be baptized in the Church. This is not meant to be a punishment. This is not meant to be negative.

My heart still goes out to those who were wounded by this policy. My heart is with any who are angry, who do not understand still, whose faith was shaken or broken. And my heart goes out to those members who have responded negatively to those who "lack faith" rather than reaching out to them in guidance and reassurance.

I'm very alarmed with brothers and sisters of the Church do not have compassion. We are meant to teach of love, of Christ waiting for us with open arms, always calling to us to come unto Him, to leave our sins behind, to give Him our pains. We are meant to be a unified people who serve, who love, who walk the path as Christ would if He were here. While there is a time and place for voices of thunder, I do not think it is to those who are shaky, who feel pain, who are upset. We should inspire those with questions to continue to ask questions to their leaders, to their loved ones, and above all else to Heavenly Father in prayer. And we should respect the opinions of those around us that are contrary to our own. After all, as the 11th Article of Faith states: "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

I have asked myself why homosexuality is a sin long ago, and I have found peace with the answer I've received. Sin is anything that would keep one out of the presence of God, of the possibility of eternal life. Eternal and immortal are two different concepts; immortal life, which is possible for all mankind because of Christ's Atonement and resurrection. We will all be resurrected. Eternal life is for those who, also through the Atonement, have lived a worthy existence and can be like Heavenly Father. Those who obtain eternal life can then create their own worlds and populate them. That being said, a same sex couple could not populate such worlds. But that does not condemn them to Hell. I believe Hell, the way many think of it as the place Satan dwells, is outer darkness, and that's reserved for those who have a perfect knowledge of God and His will (perfect knowledge meaning without a doubt, extending far beyond faith) and yet reject Him. 

While those who are not worthy of exaltation, of being like Heavenly Father, do not receive such blessings, blessed they still can be. There are three kingdoms of glory. They are called kingdoms of glory for a reason; our joys there are inexpressible. The Celestial Kingdom, the one of eternal life and exaltation, is the highest honor, the most joyous, but the ones following, Terrestrial and Telestial, have their great shares of blessings. As the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, our focus is on the Celestial Kingdom. Our goal is eternal life. We cannot teach anything less than that; for we are preaching God's Law, and His Law is centered around bringing our families home to Him and to progression that exaltation brings. He has given us the knowledge to bring us to Him. He will not adjust his Laws to a lower kingdom. We must live the best we can, aiming for the highest kingdom of glory.

With that in mind, I am grateful for Heavenly Father's judgment. It is He that will be our final judge, it is Christ who will be our advocate. He will look into our hearts and decide where we will be, what we will become based on the choices we made and why.

For those in the Church who look down on anyone who has same sex attraction, who act on it, I would like to say one more thing. I believe that a person can be born with such attraction. I never consciously made a choice to be attracted to men, and yet here I am. There are people who truly believe that they are not behaving contrary to God's law, who do not believe as we do. And there are people who have grown up in the Church and have eventually acted out on their feelings. Do not judge them, do not cut them off or turn your back on them. Imagine feeling one way, not being tempted to act a way but legitimately feeling a certain way in your heart and knowing that everyone around you believes that behaving with that feeling is wrong. Imagine seeing your future before you, where you feel alone and hurt because you can't act on your feelings but you also can't force yourself to turn them off. Have you ever been faced with that? I haven't. Therefore I will not be their judge. I will love them, I will protect them from injustice, and I will not turn away.

I will live a life I know to be correct, or at least try my best. I will hold onto my beliefs, and I will respect those who do not share them. I will have compassion.

It's my prayer that I can live this life with peace between me and every brother and sister I encounter. It is also my prayer that I am able to have wisdom, humility, and the desire to serve those around me no matter who they are. I want to leave this world doing more good than harm, bandaging more wounds than creating them. I want to leave this world having lived such a life, there isn't a doubt in anyone's mind that I believed in something whole and wonderful, that my beliefs made me a better person. 

I testify of the truth of Gospel, and above all else, I testify that there is a Heavenly Father who loves His children so powerfully, He created a beautiful plan and allowed His Only Begotten Son to be sacrificed that we may have a way home. I also testify that there is power in love. The love of God, the love from God, and the love between the children on Earth. Love is medicine. Let's use it.

Today

Today I got out of bed and readied myself for church. Finally--finally--I took the steps to transfer my records from the single's ward I haven't lived in since May. I feel as if some small progress has been done. I'm determined to start doing the things I know to be right.

I'm also going to the doctor soon, to see if I can be prescribed something to help me get a handle on myself. I've had a lot of good days, but sometimes my low points can really ruin my forward momentum. 

I can do this. I can take charge of my life, make the next twenty-three years even better than the last. 

Forgetting and Fear

I've forgotten about this blog. Or rather, it hasn't been at the front of my mind. There's been a lot going on in my life and yet, at the same time, I feel as if nothing's happening either. I fill my days with work and with idle activities that don't really bring me that much happiness either. I need to improve my time management skills.

I went to sacrament meeting with my parents and brother, Logan, today. My church activity is pitiful, and usually I just go to sacrament meeting if at all. It was cold today and I experience this sort of sensory overload where everything is too loud, it almost makes me want to panic. I'm not comfortable there, and when I listen to messages of hope, my heart's heavy. This isn't how this is supposed to be. I asked within myself what's wrong with me. 

On a lighter note, I've been reading my scriptures with more enthusiasm at night, and it has made a difference. I find myself interested in the verses, believing in the words. That's what so hard about what I'm going through. The belief is there, then why not the desire? The drive, the energy?

A close friend of mine recommended me going to the doctor and talking about possibly being prescribed antidepressants. This attitude I have adopted stretches beyond my religion. I don't read as many books as I used to. Writing is a struggle. Going out and being social doesn't interest me. There are a handful of days where I'd rather just go to sleep, because I don't feel this exhaustion when I'm asleep. I don't worry about life, don't feel that heaviness in my chest. I don't worry about having a job I don't want to have forever, I don't worry about the fact I'm not selling very many copies of my self-published novel, I don't stress out over the fact that I hate dating and therefore am probably doomed to live life alone and childless. I do this snowball effect, where one bad thought triggers all the other bad thoughts and buries me in six feet of snow. It makes it very hard to have energy, very hard to make changes for the better. 

I'm sad the fact that I usually leave sacrament meeting feeling worse than when I arrived. The Gospel is about healing and happiness, about finding joy in the Savior and in his teachings. I believe in that with everything I have; it's just not enough right now.

I've been taught that Lucifer knows us, perhaps even better than we know ourselves sometimes. That means he knows our weaknesses. He knows where to strike, to try and bring us down. It's not always about him convincing us to do a bad thing. I doubt he's whispering in my ear to kill someone, to rob a bank, to lie... No, my weakness is fear. Fear defeats me on a regular basis, and that's his number one tactic. Fear that I'm never going to support myself in life. Fear of being alone. Fear of having to rely on myself for something as simple as scheduling a doctor's appointment. Fear that I'll never be good enough. Fear that I'm not as good of a person as people who love me claim. He takes me down emotionally, brings me into a low state where everything's grim and cold. That's how he pulls me away from Heavenly Father. That's how he convinces me to harden my heart. 

It's one thing to discover the enemy's tactic. It's a whole other thing to fight him back and defeat him.

I'm tired of being afraid and lonely and heavy. I want to feel light and joyful. I want to be strong. I want to live a life worth living. I want to have so much love for the church and for people that I share my beliefs, that I bring people closer to the light, that I do what I'm meant to do on Earth.

Most of all, I want to want these things, because without desire there is no action, and without action, I'm going to be stuck in the same place I am now. This life is a test, it's about progression; you can't progress if you don't move. 

I'm going to be okay. I say this to myself all the time. Maybe I'm not right now, maybe I'm not all the time, but I'm going to be okay.  

Jesus Christ: Redeemer, Advocate, Brother

How I know Jesus Christ loves me (and absolutely everyone, for that matter):

1. He was the first to volunteer to be our Redeemer in the pre-mortal life
2. He lived a perfect life, shouldered criticism and trial, treated those who would hurt him with patience and forgiveness
3. When he was in the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked if he could be spared from the task--if he could be saved from the agony, but he finished by handing himself over to God's will (and God's will was to save His children)
4. He lived through all my pains; suffered for my sins, suffered for my fears, my anger, my heartbreak. He saw everything I would be and do, and he still went through with it
5. He let himself be taken and crucified, though he would rise again
6. Even though he knows my weaknesses, even though my sins caused him great pain, even though I have failed over and over again, Christ is still waiting with his arms wide open to receive me
7. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows what hurts me, and he wants to heal me
8. He will be my advocate come the day of judgment. He will be the one to defend me (even if I feel I cannot defend myself)

What It Feels Like to be Lost

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes that we have a complete Gospel. We are the one true Church--not because the other religions are one hundred percent wrong, but because they have truth mixed with other doctrine that isn't correct. I believe in the Gospel. I believe in the doctrine that we've been given.

But sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how lost I am.

I find shame in it. I know the Church is true--so why do I struggle? Why do I waver and stray? Why are the simple things difficult for me, like serving others and attending my meetings every week? Why is it so easy for me to be distracted by worldly things?

When I was younger, I was afraid I didn't have faith, that the Spirit never communicated with me. My teachers at church would talk about a "burning in my heart", how "warm and fuzzy" I should feel. I was alarmed by that for I'd never felt it. Even now, as I testify of my knowledge, I do not feel it. I've prayed and sat still, waiting for a voice or a feeling or something, and have gone to bed discouraged because all I could feel and hear was my own heart beat and nothing else.

How can my mind be clear about the truth, that it knows that the Gospel is the true Gospel just like it knows my inhale brings in oxygen or that gravity will pull me back down when I jump, but my heart doesn't swell with that joy? In church, I've had teachers pause while reading scriptures to ask, "Can you feel that? The power? The joy?" And I sit there like: What? Huh? I was reading along, so why does the room feel the same way as it did before? People nod, some smile so brightly that I know they feel it, and I'm tapping at my chest to see if the heart's broken. I think I got a faulty one.

Okay, good comparison here. The movie, The Polar Express, when the boy is in the North Pole. His friends are standing around him and the elves come out with the silver bells for the reindeer. The boy's trying so hard to see Santa, but people are blocking him so he can't see, and the elves are shaking the bells. People and elves around are cheering, and his friend are talking about how beautiful the bells sound. But he can't hear anything. It's distressing him, upsetting him, because he can see everyone else hears the ringing and are so amazed by it. And all he can do is cry, "I can't hear anything! I can't hear anything!"

If I take a look at myself, I can see why I might be spiritually deaf. I let so many things in my life distract me. At the end of the day, I read my scriptures like a chore. I force myself to go to church out of duty (and my activity has dropped dramatically because of it). I'm losing sight of God, His Plan, my own happiness.

How can I get it back? How can I feel that light, that joy? Is it just not in my nature to feel strong with my heart? Why must I be trapped in my head?

I'm making so many mistakes, I feel so heavy and cold. I just want to feel good again, and I know Christ is the way. Could it be that I've blindfolded myself so that I can't see Him showing me where to go?

I know I need to remove the blindfold. I just don't know how.

Chapter One: The Story's Beginning

Once upon a time, for that's how all the great stories go, there lived a couple who had fallen in love in high school, were married shortly after graduating, and a few years later had a baby girl. That baby girl is yours truly, Ashton Widdison, born in October of 1992.

I've had a good life my twenty-two years, surrounded by family members and friends. I grew up mostly in St. George before moving to northern Utah when I was fifteen. I haven't known any other home besides Utah, though, and to some that would be a bad thing. I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard people bash on Utah. I'm sure most places get that from at least a handful of their citizens. All I have to say is that my home's pretty awesome, even with the flaws.

I'm not much of a city dweller and tend to enjoy smaller towns. I hate traffic, but then again, who doesn't? The perfect day is when I don't have to go into work; when I can sleep in until after nine, sit on the couch with a good book or, hey, even write my own, or going out with my mom for lunch. Olive Garden is my favorite restaurant currently; I could probably eat my weight in pasta. I'm an author, a scanning coordinator at a local grocery store (aka the person who prices and signs all the items in the store), and a Mormon.

What is a Mormon? I'm sure there's some people who would love to tell you how crazy them Mormons are. I'm going to start with the basics. First off, we were once given that nickname many, many years ago because of the book we study along with the Bible, which is The Book of Mormon. We're actually members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Woo! What a mouthful. We can also call ourselves LDS for short.

We're a worldwide religion and, as said before, we're known for having The Book of Mormon. Sometimes people are confused because they think that's our replacement for The Bible. Actually it's not. It's a companion to The Bible, adding another testimony to our Savior, Jesus Christ. Specifically, it's the history of the people that came to the Americas long before anyone else did. With every civilization, there must be a record of some kind, a sign that they were there. The Book of Mormon is one such record, as well as the testimony of ancient prophets and the history of the Gospel.

Basically? It's a pretty important book. And no one has yet to find fault with it! It doesn't contradict itself. Pretty miraculous, if you ask me.

So what does the Church have to do with me personally? My beginning? Well, the Gospel teaches a pretty amazing story that has to do with me and everyone else that has set foot on or has yet to set foot on the Earth.

First, there was a time called the pre-mortal existence or pre-mortal life. It's where we all were, as spirit children of our Heavenly Parents (we existed as intelligence before then, but we do not know much about what that means). Having no memory of that place, I trust that we were very happy there, but there was something more available to us. Our Heavenly Parents weren't just spirit children; they were that something more. They were able to have children, they were powerful. We were just spirits. Not a lot of progression there.

Heavenly Father, who loved us so much, wanted us to be able to have all that He had. So he devised a plan. He would send us down to the home He created us in mortal bodies, and we would go through trial. We would have no memories of our lives with Him, so we would have to rely on faith in order to come back to Him.

But He knew that if we were sent away and sinned, we would not be able to return again. It would not be possible for us to live perfectly, however, so we stood in great need of a Savior; of a person who could live that perfect life and suffer for all mankind and be sacrificed for a great Atonement. With that sacrifice, we could be clean again and able to stand in the presence of our Lord. We could repent. We could be resurrected after death and brought to a great glory, which is Eternal Life, meaning we could become as God is, parents of our own spirit children and creators of our own worlds.

Already seems pretty fantastic, right? But who would be the Savior? A council in heaven was held, and Heavenly Father laid the plan down for us to accept. Of course we accepted it! We could see what He had in store for us. Then Heavenly Father asked who He would send.

Two of our brothers volunteered. The first was our oldest brother, who we know today as Jesus Christ. The second was Lucifer.

There was one plan, God's plan. These two brothers had different ways of making it happen.

Christ would pay the price for our sins, would suffer and die, all in God's name. The glory would be Heavenly Father's alone. We would have our freedom to choose which direction, but if we chose the Savior's path, if we accepted him as our Savior and lived the best we could, his Atonement would heal us.

Still, even with such a great sacrifice, there would be brothers and sisters who would not return home. They would make the worst of decisions and would reject our brother, Christ. Lucifer provided a second idea. He would force all the children of God to obey, and by doing so, he'd bring all the children back to God. In return, Lucifer wanted God's glory. Lucifer wanted to rule as God did.

Heavenly Father chose Christ, the first. Why? Because we needed the freedom to choose our own way. We needed to rise and fall and rise again, and we needed to learn lessons in order to be worthy to be as God is. It was for our own good and eternal happiness that Heavenly Father chose Christ.

Lucifer brought war into heaven, arguing against the choice. He pulled many children away, even a third of all of us, and the rest of us (you know because you are here in a body) fought for our freedom for the first time. We won the war and, as punishment of going against God, Lucifer was cast out of heaven with the third of our spirit family. They would never be given a mortal body. They would never possess what eternal glory God has, nor any other kingdom of glory. They were in outer darkness. They were called the Sons of Perdition, and Lucifer was renamed Satan, or the Devil.

That was the official beginning of my story. Flash forward and I was sent down from heaven, through the veil that took my memories, and born to my mortal parents. What destiny I have here, I'm not certain, and what I will become in the future and even in the next life, I can't say. But right now I'm travelling forward to the future, ready or not.

And Satan hates me. He hates us all, because we have bodies and we have the opportunity for an eternal life. He knows me and wants to see me suffer and fail. The only way he can hurt Heavenly Father is by taking down more and more of God's children.

But on the other hand, Christ and Heavenly Father know me. They love me. They protect me every day. Heavenly Father has given me his Holy Spirit when I was baptized at eight, and that Spirit tries to guide me (when I actually listen) down the right path.

I make mistakes. So many terrible mistakes. But my story hasn't ended yet. I still have time to change myself for the better and to keep building myself up. This life is about learning and progression. I hope to do many great things before I reach The End. But even then, it's not really The End. A new story just begins.