How I know Jesus Christ loves me (and absolutely everyone, for that matter):
1. He was the first to volunteer to be our Redeemer in the pre-mortal life
2. He lived a perfect life, shouldered criticism and trial, treated those who would hurt him with patience and forgiveness
3. When he was in the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked if he could be spared from the task--if he could be saved from the agony, but he finished by handing himself over to God's will (and God's will was to save His children)
4. He lived through all my pains; suffered for my sins, suffered for my fears, my anger, my heartbreak. He saw everything I would be and do, and he still went through with it
5. He let himself be taken and crucified, though he would rise again
6. Even though he knows my weaknesses, even though my sins caused him great pain, even though I have failed over and over again, Christ is still waiting with his arms wide open to receive me
7. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows what hurts me, and he wants to heal me
8. He will be my advocate come the day of judgment. He will be the one to defend me (even if I feel I cannot defend myself)
Sunday, April 5, 2015
What It Feels Like to be Lost
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes that we have a complete Gospel. We are the one true Church--not because the other religions are one hundred percent wrong, but because they have truth mixed with other doctrine that isn't correct. I believe in the Gospel. I believe in the doctrine that we've been given.
But sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how lost I am.
I find shame in it. I know the Church is true--so why do I struggle? Why do I waver and stray? Why are the simple things difficult for me, like serving others and attending my meetings every week? Why is it so easy for me to be distracted by worldly things?
When I was younger, I was afraid I didn't have faith, that the Spirit never communicated with me. My teachers at church would talk about a "burning in my heart", how "warm and fuzzy" I should feel. I was alarmed by that for I'd never felt it. Even now, as I testify of my knowledge, I do not feel it. I've prayed and sat still, waiting for a voice or a feeling or something, and have gone to bed discouraged because all I could feel and hear was my own heart beat and nothing else.
How can my mind be clear about the truth, that it knows that the Gospel is the true Gospel just like it knows my inhale brings in oxygen or that gravity will pull me back down when I jump, but my heart doesn't swell with that joy? In church, I've had teachers pause while reading scriptures to ask, "Can you feel that? The power? The joy?" And I sit there like: What? Huh? I was reading along, so why does the room feel the same way as it did before? People nod, some smile so brightly that I know they feel it, and I'm tapping at my chest to see if the heart's broken. I think I got a faulty one.
Okay, good comparison here. The movie, The Polar Express, when the boy is in the North Pole. His friends are standing around him and the elves come out with the silver bells for the reindeer. The boy's trying so hard to see Santa, but people are blocking him so he can't see, and the elves are shaking the bells. People and elves around are cheering, and his friend are talking about how beautiful the bells sound. But he can't hear anything. It's distressing him, upsetting him, because he can see everyone else hears the ringing and are so amazed by it. And all he can do is cry, "I can't hear anything! I can't hear anything!"
If I take a look at myself, I can see why I might be spiritually deaf. I let so many things in my life distract me. At the end of the day, I read my scriptures like a chore. I force myself to go to church out of duty (and my activity has dropped dramatically because of it). I'm losing sight of God, His Plan, my own happiness.
How can I get it back? How can I feel that light, that joy? Is it just not in my nature to feel strong with my heart? Why must I be trapped in my head?
I'm making so many mistakes, I feel so heavy and cold. I just want to feel good again, and I know Christ is the way. Could it be that I've blindfolded myself so that I can't see Him showing me where to go?
I know I need to remove the blindfold. I just don't know how.
But sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how lost I am.
I find shame in it. I know the Church is true--so why do I struggle? Why do I waver and stray? Why are the simple things difficult for me, like serving others and attending my meetings every week? Why is it so easy for me to be distracted by worldly things?
When I was younger, I was afraid I didn't have faith, that the Spirit never communicated with me. My teachers at church would talk about a "burning in my heart", how "warm and fuzzy" I should feel. I was alarmed by that for I'd never felt it. Even now, as I testify of my knowledge, I do not feel it. I've prayed and sat still, waiting for a voice or a feeling or something, and have gone to bed discouraged because all I could feel and hear was my own heart beat and nothing else.
How can my mind be clear about the truth, that it knows that the Gospel is the true Gospel just like it knows my inhale brings in oxygen or that gravity will pull me back down when I jump, but my heart doesn't swell with that joy? In church, I've had teachers pause while reading scriptures to ask, "Can you feel that? The power? The joy?" And I sit there like: What? Huh? I was reading along, so why does the room feel the same way as it did before? People nod, some smile so brightly that I know they feel it, and I'm tapping at my chest to see if the heart's broken. I think I got a faulty one.
Okay, good comparison here. The movie, The Polar Express, when the boy is in the North Pole. His friends are standing around him and the elves come out with the silver bells for the reindeer. The boy's trying so hard to see Santa, but people are blocking him so he can't see, and the elves are shaking the bells. People and elves around are cheering, and his friend are talking about how beautiful the bells sound. But he can't hear anything. It's distressing him, upsetting him, because he can see everyone else hears the ringing and are so amazed by it. And all he can do is cry, "I can't hear anything! I can't hear anything!"
If I take a look at myself, I can see why I might be spiritually deaf. I let so many things in my life distract me. At the end of the day, I read my scriptures like a chore. I force myself to go to church out of duty (and my activity has dropped dramatically because of it). I'm losing sight of God, His Plan, my own happiness.
How can I get it back? How can I feel that light, that joy? Is it just not in my nature to feel strong with my heart? Why must I be trapped in my head?
I'm making so many mistakes, I feel so heavy and cold. I just want to feel good again, and I know Christ is the way. Could it be that I've blindfolded myself so that I can't see Him showing me where to go?
I know I need to remove the blindfold. I just don't know how.
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