It's hard not being happy. It's hard when a very small something knocks your entire day into a downward spiral, and when you try to remind yourself that nothing catastrophic has happened, that you're really okay as okay can be, you find yourself feeling worse somehow. Like it would almost be better if you could say why it's a bad day, that you're this tired because of this big, awful event. It sounds pathetic when all you can say is that something wasn't how you wanted it and you couldn't shake it off.
One moment, one sentence, one brief interaction--what do they have in common? They hold power over my mood. And even when logic says, "Why are you upset? Why are you still feeling this way? Be a big girl and get over it", I don't get better. This heaviness follows me around, and usually the best way for me to "get over it" is to fall asleep and wake to a new day.
Simple things that don't affect my tomorrow shouldn't be able to bury me alive. I function at least, not to my best abilities but better than lying in a heap on the floor and not moving, but that's all I want to do. Lie down. Fall asleep. Start again tomorrow.
It's hard not being happy. It's even harder not knowing what changes need to be made for happiness to be easier to create. I know it comes from the inside, but maybe my insides aren't doing what they're supposed to.
