I feel like everyone wants things for me, but I want nothing for myself. They have a good idea of what I should do but I have no idea myself. It's terrible, because I know I'm living my life based on what I think everyone else wants for me, but that's mainly due to the fact that I don't know what I want for me. So isn't it better to at least try what other people suggest than just sitting around doing nothing? I would lie down and watch the years flow by without moving, without stepping forward. 

Part of me is waiting for... Well, I don't know. Something. Something big that will give me a shove. It used to be the impossible, like, say, a letter to Hogwarts. But now that I'm an adult and understand reality (to a point, I am a writer after all), I know that Hogwarts isn't happening, and neither is any of the other fantasies in my head. So I'm waiting for a fantastic real something to put my life in motion.

Know what puts a life in motion? Moving your feet.

Know what sucks? Having basic answers like that but nothing else. Your brain talking smart and your emotions acting dumb. Fear blotting everything else out.

Trying to Remember How to Dream

I've lived in fear for so long that I've buried dreams. I can't even tell what I want, and that's a terrible thing to realize. 

My current job isn't a bad one, but I'm not happy there. I haven't been applying to other jobs because I don't believe I'll be happy anywhere. What do I want to do? What do I want to be? The answer has always been writer, but the odds of supporting myself on that is so slim. Especially when I can't seem to write anything. 

I loved writing. Why is it so hard for me now?

I looked at some college courses, some degrees, and didn't feel alive with possibility. No, I felt exhausted, like I could curl up in bed and fall asleep, sleep until the years have passed me by and I'm still boring old me with no aspirations. 

What do I want?

My life is passing me by, and I'm standing there, watching it with only partial interest. I'd rather be in a world different than mine, fantasizing about people who aren't me accomplishing things I never will.

It's scary. I keep thinking about dying. Not about hurting myself; I'd never, ever do that. But sometimes I remember St. George, how you could stop driving on the side of the road and walk over and suddenly you're looking into a ravine. When I lived in St. George, I wished I could fly so I could throw myself off the edge and soar high above the ground. It was such a beautiful idea to me. But now I think about that edge, and I wonder what it would feel like to fall. Fall, fall, fall.

And then I realize what I'm thinking about, and it terrifies me. I switch my thoughts to flying. I guess that is a dream I still have. 

Who is this person in my skin, wearing my name? Is this the person I'm doomed to live the rest of my days as? Or can I change?

But what do I want to change to? No one can tell me. That answer belongs to me. 

Happy Easter

Life has a point because of Jesus Christ. When He suffered and died for us, and rose again, He paid the price of my mistakes, my weaknesses, and He gave me the opportunity to be more than what I am now. I have a tomorrow because of my Savior. I have a future because of my Savior. There is hope and light and peace. Christ lives. Christ loves.

This Easter I wasn't as focused as I should have been. On the contrary, I've focused on many other things, some all right, some wrong. But I can find my way again. He's there for me, ready to lead me. I just have to look for Him and trust Him.

It's hard not being happy. It's hard when a very small something knocks your entire day into a downward spiral, and when you try to remind yourself that nothing catastrophic has happened, that you're really okay as okay can be, you find yourself feeling worse somehow. Like it would almost be better if you could say why it's a bad day, that you're this tired because of this big, awful event. It sounds pathetic when all you can say is that something wasn't how you wanted it and you couldn't shake it off. 

One moment, one sentence, one brief interaction--what do they have in common? They hold power over my mood. And even when logic says, "Why are you upset? Why are you still feeling this way? Be a big girl and get over it", I don't get better. This heaviness follows me around, and usually the best way for me to "get over it" is to fall asleep and wake to a new day. 

Simple things that don't affect my tomorrow shouldn't be able to bury me alive. I function at least, not to my best abilities but better than lying in a heap on the floor and not moving, but that's all I want to do. Lie down. Fall asleep. Start again tomorrow.

It's hard not being happy. It's even harder not knowing what changes need to be made for happiness to be easier to create. I know it comes from the inside, but maybe my insides aren't doing what they're supposed to. 

Happy Valentine's Day

Love is definitely something worth celebrating. I haven't enjoyed Valentine's Day in a long time; probably not since I was a kid and had parties at school. But truth be told, I don't hate it nearly as much as I pretend. It's nice to have a day devoted to love, I guess, but other people have a point. If you're reserving romance and treating your significant other special for Valentine's Day, you're doing it wrong.

Maybe one day I will look forward to a date night on Valentine's Day. More likely though, I'll want to stay home with my man, watching funny movies and eating treats. I'm not a huge fan of crowds, and being in a restaurant where I can hardly hear him speak because there are so many people eating at the same place isn't as appealing as blankets and home cooked food. 

This year, I'd like to fall in love. I don't know whether or not that'll happen, but if it did... That'd be great. Love is wonderful. I want it in my life (the romantic kind; I do have a lot of love from family and friends).

I'm losing focus and drive. I haven't seen my friends in a long time (two I have ran into at their place of employment). I'm hoping this is Winter Blues but I'm not certain how to combat it. My mom has been taking a product called Keto-OS, which has helped her lose weight, but it's not really a weight loss product. It puts your kidneys in Ketosis, which makes your body burn fat instead of sugar, but the medical benefits of the product are amazing. It has helped people with diabetes, chronic pain, exhaustion, bi-polar, and depression. I've been taking it with the hope that it will give me more energy, clarity of mind, and help with my mood. I need to up the dosage and make sure I'm taking it twice a day, instead of just once.

Also...

I love my friends, but there's been something strange going on with me. I've never been a social butterfly, but to get out of the house involves serious effort. The last few times my friends invited me somewhere, I passed. 

Sometimes I'm afraid that I let my relationships get so thin that they eventually just break apart and separate entirely. But I hate being lonely, and I do love having companions. Right? My friends are great people, and I'm lucky to have them. I enjoy being around them. 

I blame the cold! It's got to be this weather. Freezing and dreary. It's only natural I'd rather stay home and read on the couch than spend time with people. Right?

I just don't feel right. Figure me out, me! Before I'm a lone wolf that's chased everyone away and sings sadly into the night--am I seriously using the lone wolf analogy? Yeah, I need to get out more. I'm turning into a cliche.