I've forgotten about this blog. Or rather, it hasn't been at the front of my mind. There's been a lot going on in my life and yet, at the same time, I feel as if nothing's happening either. I fill my days with work and with idle activities that don't really bring me that much happiness either. I need to improve my time management skills.
I went to sacrament meeting with my parents and brother, Logan, today. My church activity is pitiful, and usually I just go to sacrament meeting if at all. It was cold today and I experience this sort of sensory overload where everything is too loud, it almost makes me want to panic. I'm not comfortable there, and when I listen to messages of hope, my heart's heavy. This isn't how this is supposed to be. I asked within myself what's wrong with me.
On a lighter note, I've been reading my scriptures with more enthusiasm at night, and it has made a difference. I find myself interested in the verses, believing in the words. That's what so hard about what I'm going through. The belief is there, then why not the desire? The drive, the energy?
A close friend of mine recommended me going to the doctor and talking about possibly being prescribed antidepressants. This attitude I have adopted stretches beyond my religion. I don't read as many books as I used to. Writing is a struggle. Going out and being social doesn't interest me. There are a handful of days where I'd rather just go to sleep, because I don't feel this exhaustion when I'm asleep. I don't worry about life, don't feel that heaviness in my chest. I don't worry about having a job I don't want to have forever, I don't worry about the fact I'm not selling very many copies of my self-published novel, I don't stress out over the fact that I hate dating and therefore am probably doomed to live life alone and childless. I do this snowball effect, where one bad thought triggers all the other bad thoughts and buries me in six feet of snow. It makes it very hard to have energy, very hard to make changes for the better.
I'm sad the fact that I usually leave sacrament meeting feeling worse than when I arrived. The Gospel is about healing and happiness, about finding joy in the Savior and in his teachings. I believe in that with everything I have; it's just not enough right now.
I've been taught that Lucifer knows us, perhaps even better than we know ourselves sometimes. That means he knows our weaknesses. He knows where to strike, to try and bring us down. It's not always about him convincing us to do a bad thing. I doubt he's whispering in my ear to kill someone, to rob a bank, to lie... No, my weakness is fear. Fear defeats me on a regular basis, and that's his number one tactic. Fear that I'm never going to support myself in life. Fear of being alone. Fear of having to rely on myself for something as simple as scheduling a doctor's appointment. Fear that I'll never be good enough. Fear that I'm not as good of a person as people who love me claim. He takes me down emotionally, brings me into a low state where everything's grim and cold. That's how he pulls me away from Heavenly Father. That's how he convinces me to harden my heart.
It's one thing to discover the enemy's tactic. It's a whole other thing to fight him back and defeat him.
I'm tired of being afraid and lonely and heavy. I want to feel light and joyful. I want to be strong. I want to live a life worth living. I want to have so much love for the church and for people that I share my beliefs, that I bring people closer to the light, that I do what I'm meant to do on Earth.
Most of all, I want to want these things, because without desire there is no action, and without action, I'm going to be stuck in the same place I am now. This life is a test, it's about progression; you can't progress if you don't move.
I'm going to be okay. I say this to myself all the time. Maybe I'm not right now, maybe I'm not all the time, but I'm going to be okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment