23 and Single

Since the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is very family oriented, I've grown up learning the value of having an eternal family here in our mortal lives. I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I even have two names I love for a boy and a girl; Samuel Wade and Emma Rue. Honestly I never pictured a career outside of writing and being a homemaker for however many children I ended up having.

When I was a teenager, I didn't really date. I thought no one liked me. I didn't feel pretty. I was shy. Since then, I've found confidence in my appearance, I've learned to be a little more social.

And it feels like too little too late.

I've lost interest in dating. The few men I've gone out with have all had their positive traits and negative traits, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be single than with them. While out, I would daydream about the end of the date so I could go home and do what I wanted to do. When they would text me, I'd want to ignore them. What would start out as excitement, a feeling of "this could be different than the last one", would instantly turn into disappointment and self-hatred as I tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

I'm the common denominator, not the men.

I still want a family. I think. I'll see pictures of babies and feel a little longing to have a child of my own, a little Sam or Emma, but at the end of the day, I'm discouraged. I don't feel excitement when I meet new people. Fun only lasts for so long before I'm bored. Affection makes me uncomfortable. Having serious talks about feelings sends me the opposite direction. 

Why can't I want someone? Or anything, for that matter? I don't want a career, an education, anything that I once thought I would value. I'm twenty-three years old and feel like I haven't a lot that counts. I love my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my friends... There is some good in the world, but it's like I've put myself in a bubble so I can't touch it. Why would I do that to myself? Why don't I want anything that matters?

I'm tired of hovering in this limbo, where my goals is a family of my own but my desires--the simple things from days off to reading a great book--do not include finding a man with whom I can really connect. It's so frustrating that I've met some wonderful people, guys that would treat me right and take care of me, and I've charged away like I'm being chased by a captor instead of someone I could grow to love.

Maybe it's the books; they've taught me about a love that doesn't exist. They've taught me about deep passion, love that's so wonderful it can't be put into words. But I'm tired of everything around me being mundane. Love can't be one of those things, right?

I have been under the impression that I will never find someone to marry since I was fifteen years old. That is a long time to believe I'll never love anyone. And after hurting guy after guy, distant and distancing even further, I'm tired. I'm to the point where I just want to be left alone.

But I don't want my dream of a family to die. I don't want to live another twenty-three years alone.

And I can't let these next twenty-three years pass with this unhappiness looming over me. I don't think anyone can fill this hole in my chest; it's something I have to fill myself. I just don't know how.